Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
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Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.