13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
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My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Home #decor warning.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream