*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You Might Also Like
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Seems legit
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?