[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
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My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Room with a view.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.