@Parentpains: If you didn't want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.
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@Swishergirl24: I'm developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers' stories.
@MarcusTheToken: I left some acorns in the spot where I killed a squirrel because I'm thoughtful. Also because a gang of squirrels burned a cross in my yard.
@Mama_in_heels: My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.
@juliussharpe: I'll vote for whichever presidential candidate promises to end the banter before two people announce who won an Emmy.