If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.