If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.