If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
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ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I think this should do it.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?