Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
This why you should mind your business
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Cheer up.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby