If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
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Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
*puts cutlery down*
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
doing some research
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today