@TheBoydP: If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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@mlinhart: Dear fork, I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork. Love always, Spoon PS: he has your hair.
@RidiculousSheri: Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU