If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
You Might Also Like
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Isn’t
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.