If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Lmao
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.