If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
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I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.