If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
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doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
True
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
#dalle2
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.