If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
You Might Also Like
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
this is the best day of my life
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I just ran a .003048K
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.