Hell yeah 👍
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i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.