I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd