Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
That’s what I call a flat tire
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Stop.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume