If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
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football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
no one ever comes back
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.