If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
is it earth
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..