@Sutton_Speaks: If you don't have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.
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@dave_cactus: ME: *robbing bank* More like, I'm BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha! TELLER: Haha! COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
@TheTweetOfGod: Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.
@AristotlesNZ: I don't like telling people I used to be a stalker. It sounds better saying "I spent a lot of time studying a broad."
@NicestHippo: ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well