@DamienFahey: If you don't have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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@BillDixonish: Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That's how I feel during football season.
@mattZillaaaa: Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
@david8hughes: [alligator store] Clerk: $1500. Thanks Me: not gonna say bye to him? Clerk: uh Me: say it Clerk: goodbye Me: say "see you later alligator"
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?" *20 minutes later* Me: "No."