If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Velcrow
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
cat vs inanimate object
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work