If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?