If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
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My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.