The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*