“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
You Might Also Like
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Midwest trash talk
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me