If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
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no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.