If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
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Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
NASA has no chill
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on