If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
dogs can find happiness so easily
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.