Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*