@DaveWeasel: If you don't like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person's problem.
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@trojansauce: [about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair
@bridger_w: Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, "I'll never forget the time we spent together"
@Bacon_Ball: You can tell a lot by the way a woman walks. Like if she walks away, she's probably not into you.
@lazerdoov: Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I'm super nice just trying to figure out why I can't breathe when I eat chips