[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
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As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
When someone trying to leave me
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who