Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Cardio Made Easy
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.