If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
me linking you to my twitter
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I would move hell over six inches for you
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
British people be like I’m Bri ish
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle