@ceejoyner: If you don't like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He's gone now.
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@AdamBroud: Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir. Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
@arielleBigBlue: When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it's going to end badly for everyone.
@tylerschmall: *walks into Babies R Us* Hi I'd like to buy a baby. "Sir we don't-" *I slide him a 100 dollar bill* "This way please."
@InternetHippo: *clicks on video called How to Cut a Pineaple* This is what I need Video (32:56): The pineapple first appeared in South America over 500 ye