@ceejoyner: If you don't like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He's gone now.
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@therepoguy: My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
@thr33circles: Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you're doing it for attention and we ALL know you'll be back.
@benmathaicomedy: 'Vegetarians' don't eat meat. 'Vegans' also don't eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.