If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.