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[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
How to properly lift a body
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
If a snake ate a cake
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.