If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
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Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off