If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
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It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what