If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
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Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.