If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
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There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade