If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
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Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
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“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.