If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby