@PyrBliss: If you don't swear when you're driving, you aren't paying enough attention to the road.
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@VodkaTiem: I don't know who put chairs in the elevator, but that's a kind of laziness that I can respect.
@PoorEvelyn: Queen Elizabeth is celebrating 60 years on the throne. I assume it was something she ate.
@DanMentos: [job interview] "Why do you want to leave your current job?" My boss is a total idiot "It says here you're self-employed?" Yes that's right
@mrjohndarby: Me: My son's goldfish died. What should I do? Him: Just flush him down the toilet Me: Gotcha. And the fish?