If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Holy shit he’s back
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*