@mrjohndarby: [date] me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be? her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you? me: well, u know the bit behind the knees? *awkward silence* me: *leans in closer* I'd love em to be as hairy as armpits

@brittwastaken: I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end. -The inventor of massage

@fuzzlime: Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

@ceejoyner: When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It's just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

@liv_thatsme: Leading causes of death among men: 1. Heart attacks 2. Strokes 3. Getting their wives a gym membership for Valentine's Day