If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*