@OddMarc: If you don't walk sideways chanting 'crab people' when holding tongs, we can't be friends.
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@DiamondLou69: I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap... ...I told her it wasn't necessary because I had one earlier today.
@NervousJr: my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.
@pharmasean: [in hell] Me: *sneeze* The devil: bless you Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool the devil: DAMN YOU Me, floating back to hell: dang