If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Pretty much. 🤣
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.