@SortaBad: If you don't want to be there today, just say "I'm just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding"
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@coolidiot2000: [doctors exam] "I'm feeling a lump here. Here's another. You have several lumps." -uh oh, what does that mean doc? "it means you're fat"
@k_lli: It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
@SteveSuckington: [2nd time at girls house] "where's your dog?" Oh he isn't mine. I was dog sitting [makes text alert sound w mouth] "Its work. I gotta go"