@SortaBad: If you don't want to be there today, just say "I'm just here for the food and hopefully some good commercials. Also congrats on the wedding"
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@RocketRankoon: [5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator] Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
@OakHill_: Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize. Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer. Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
@ArfMeasures: [mouse wedding] PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN'T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
@Sarcasticsapien: [walks up to coworker's desk] I know I don't say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.