I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
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Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.