If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
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-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Lmfaoooooo
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.