If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
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Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.