My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
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Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
It’s a gift
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.