If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
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today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep